Read Surveys (By Author)
1. When do you feel at your most attractive?
When I'm having a captivating conversation, being witty and making people laugh, experiencing genuine fun or happiness, or after I've exercised.
2. Do you notice women on the street? If so, what sort of women do you tend to notice or admire?
I notice women who have an easy, effortless elegance about them. They're beautiful because they're so at peace and comfortable with themselves, but still look put together. They're never trying too hard. I also notice really fit women and admire their discipline.
3. What are some things you admire about how other women present themselves?
I admire women who can straddle the line between put together and comfortable. Women who look elegant in a t-shirt and jeans, with messy hair and light makeup. I admire women who don't try too hard, but just are themselves and are beautiful because of that.
4. Was there a moment in your life when something “clicked” for you about fashion or dressing or make-up or hair? What? Why did it happen then, do you think?
When I was in LA, I realized I'd rather be comfortable above all else. Sure, I want to look good, but I won't sacrifice comfort for that. I also realized that feeling put together by putting on a little makeup and straightening my hair (or having it just not be a rat's nest) made me feel much more confident about myself. I think it happened then because I was so focused on succeeding in school, that I just didn't care as much about how I looked. I realized there was no one to look good for, so to speak, and I also realized that I worked better when I was comfortable.
5. What are some shopping rules you wouldn’t necessarily recommend to others but which you follow?
Quality fabrics and construction, never polyester, nothing too short, nothing too trendy, don't shop in a rush.
6. What are some rules about dressing you follow, but you wouldn't necessarily recommend to others?
Comfort above all else, nothing too short, nothing too tight, balance—a slim top with a voluminous bottom, a loose top with a slim bottom, no uncomfortable shoes.
7. What is the most transformative conversation you have ever had on the subject of fashion or style?
Not a conversation I was part of intimately, but more a collective conversation of the sewing world on the fashion industry. Fast fashion is cheap and does a lot of harm—not only to wallets, but to people, the environment, societies etc. I don't have to partake in it. I can choose to not contribute to the problem, and at the same time, I can feel creative and satisfied in making my own clothes. That transformed my entire way of life regarding clothing and shopping.
8. Do you have a unified way of approaching your life, work, relationships, finances, chores, etc.? Please explain.
I am very pragmatic and practical 90% of the time, but I also succumb to fits of irrationality and romance. I used to a lot more, but when I reined in my spending and opened up my eyes to real life and where my money was being wasted, it changed me as a person, and changed me in all areas of my life. So, pragmatic and practical, with spontaneous rebellion.
9. Are there any clothing (or related) items that you have in multiple? Why do you think you keep buying this thing?
T-shirts, because they're comfortable and easy. J Crew slim sweaters because they're comfortable, look put together, but also very simple. Oxfords because they're a bit dressier than sneakers, but not too feminine or fancy, and still very comfortable.
I think I buy these things because I'm drawn to comfort, but also with a hint of elegance. I don't want to look like a slob, I want to look put together, but I want to feel like I'm wearing pyjamas 90% of the time.
10. Have you ever successfully given someone a present of jewelry or clothing that you continue to feel good about?
Yes, I've made Ian multiple t-shirts that he still loves and wears all the time. I've also given Nellie some great jewelry that she wears a lot, as well as my mother. I hope that every time they wear the item, they think of me.
11. Is there any fashion trend you’ve refused to participate in and why?
I don't know if it's a trend, but tight and short anything is just not my jam. It's not comfortable for me, I would feel self-conscious and restricted, and it also doesn't suit my lifestyle in any way.
12. Can you say a bit about how your mother’s body and style has been passed down to you, or not?
Her self-consciousness about her body has been passed down to me. I feel like I don't deserve to wear certain things because my body isn't perfect or "right" for those clothing items. I dream about being thin and wispy and looking amazing in everything. I worry that I look like a slob a lot of the time because of my body.
I've also inherited her love of boxy tops, although I like to pair mine with slim pants. And interesting jewelry, and flat shoes.
13. Have you stolen, borrowed or adapted any dressing ideas or actual items from friends or family?
I started wearing simple, classic jewelry after I saw my friend Anna wearing really simple rings. I love how elegant it is.
14. Was there a point in your life when your style changed dramatically? What happened?
When I moved to LA, I no longer was interested in the very feminine and full dresses and skirts I'd been wearing for years before. LA dressing is much more effortless chic, much more casual and tomboy-ish, and I really picked up on that. I noticed that I felt "cooler" when I was wearing less feminine clothing, and that has really carried over in my life. I can't remember the last time I wore a skirt.
15. Is there anything political about the way you dress?
Not really. I don't dress very provocatively but it's less political than it is just my own comfort.
16. Please describe your body.
I'm tall, curvy, with large and jiggly hips and thighs. My body is soft, and I wish it were firmer. It's not very strong or powerful, and a lot of the time I'm ashamed of it. I don't feel particularly sexy or healthy and I want to change it. Often it feels like it's defying me when I put on the clothes I want to be wearing and don't feel good in them.
17. Please describe your mind.
My mind goes ten million miles a minute. It overthinks almost everything, and is always looking for the one thing that will change it and my life along with it. It consumes voraciously, and also second-guesses itself constantly. It's never sure, it's afraid of declaring certainty, and it's almost never fulfilled.
18. Please describe your emotions.
My emotions are quick. I can become jubilant or furious in a nanosecond, and often it will only last that moment, but sometimes it lingers. They're not very reliable. Things that shouldn't make me angry do, and I am easily swayed and maneuvered. I have to work hard to keep them in check.
19. What are you wearing on your body and face, and how is your hair done, right at this moment?
At this moment, I'm wearing lotion on my face, a bathrobe on my body, and my hair is wet and down because I just showered.
20. In what way is this stuff important, if at all?
I think that how we dress can affect how we feel about ourselves and our lives. I think that shame can really strongly affect our dressing, and confidence can as well. I think how we feel about ourselves shows through how we present ourselves, and that sometimes faking it through how we dress really can change our feelings. I think it's also a way to identify people like us who share our values and beliefs and way of life. It can be a protest, or a rebellion, or a sign of the times, or profession, or age, or belief. I think it's pretty important.
21. With whom do you talk about clothes?
My boyfriend, my sewing community, my mom, my friends.
22. How do institutions affect the way you dress?
They don't all that much, but if I were going to a fancy dinner or a conference, I wouldn't wear sweatpants.
23. Do you think you have taste or style? Which one is more important? What do these words mean to you?
I think I have taste, but I don't necessarily think I have style. I think taste is more important, but I do wish I had style. Taste to me means a sense of refinement or classiness that affects how you see things or experience them, and how you make the choices you make. Style is about how you dress and present yourself, using your taste to clothe yourself.
24. Do you remember the biggest waste of money you ever made on an item of clothing?
It certainly wasn't the most expensive thing I ever bought, but I spent probably close to $200 on a polyester dress that was so light it blew up everywhere and made me uncomfortable, was polyester so it didn't feel very fancy, but actually felt cheap, was too loose in the waist so it made me feel chubby, and the print and colour were too loud for my taste. I wore it once, was uncomfortable the whole time, and never wore it again.
25. Are there any dressing tricks you’ve invented or learned that make you feel like you’re getting away with something?
Lipstick and jewelry with a t-shirt and nicer shoes makes it look chic, instead of just comfy or slobby.
26. Do you have style in any areas of your life aside from fashion?
I have a design style I think—in certain areas it's a bit more fun than my fashion style. I think I take more risks and am more outside-the-box in design than I am in style. I actually prefer bolder, more feminine design in my own design life (what I enjoy designing vs what design I'm drawn to) whereas how I dress is much more monochrome and the opposite of standing out.
27. Can you recall some times when you have dressed a particular way to calm yourself or gain a sense of control over a situation that scared you?
If I need to go to a social event where I don't know anyone, I try to dress so I feel powerful and chic, kind of like wearing armour. It makes me feel put together and like I can do anything, and like I don't stand out in a negative way, but look professional and in charge.
28. Would you say you “know what you like” in the area of fashion and clothing? If so, do you also know what you like in other areas of life, that is, are you generally good at discernment? Can you say where your discernment comes from, if you have it? Or if you don’t have it, why or why not?
I don't think I know what I like in the area of fashion—I think I'm swayed easily. I'm getting closer to figuring it out though. In design, I'm also confused as of lately (figuring out what I prefer to design than what style I want to be designing in due to some preconceived notion of who I am). So, I think that with self-reflection, I'm actually in a learning and analyzing phase with discernment right now, and it's sort of turning my discernment upside down in every aspect of my life.
29. Did your parents teach you things about clothing, care for your clothing, dressing or style? What lessons do you remember? Or did you just pick things up?
My parents taught me to be comfortable. My dad has quirky style, with the addition of socks or bowties, to rather classic stuff. He's a good example of someone who loves style, but lets his quirk be in small doses rather than all over. My mom loves comfort, oversized and expensive. She likes to hide her body. My parents taught me that comfortable shoes will go a long way.
30. What sorts of things do you do, clothing or make-up or hair- wise, to feel sexy or alluring?
I put on makeup that still looks natural, but enhancing. I wear fancy underwear and more fitted clothing in luxurious fabrics. I straighten my hair or make sure it looks very polished.
31. Many people say they want to feel “comfortable,” or that they admire people who seem “confident.” What do these words really mean to you?
To me, comfort means I can spend all day in it and not feel restricted or awkward or like I need to change. It also means I don't feel self-conscious or like things are falling off or riding up. I feel like I can just wear what I'm wearing and not worry about it.
Confident means I feel great in it, like I can take over the world. It means I feel cool, sexy, enviable, and in my own skin. Easy, effortless, and good. It's like comfort taken up a notch.
32. If dressing were the only thing you did, and you were considered an expert and asked to explain your style philosophy, what would you say?
I would say that I want to be comfortable in my body, and that by extension, that means I have to be comfortable in my clothes. I don't want to have to worry about them—they're part of me, but I don't want to fiddle with them or feel like they're dictating what I can or can't do or where I can and can't go. I want my clothes to be like a second skin, and to make me feel confident and comfortable. I want to feel like the kind of person I want to be when I'm wearing my clothes.
33. What is really beautiful, for you, in general?
What's really beautiful for me, in general, is quiet, everyday moments of beauty. Whether it's the way light hits a wall, or the colours of a beautiful sunset, or a beautiful flower—it's a moment of something completely normal elevated to something else.
34. What do you consider very ugly?
Something that's just too much, or too over the top. Too much makeup, or too garish clothing. Carnival colours, that kind of garishness. Violence, hatred, meanness, trying too hard.
35. Are you generally a good judge of whether what you buy will end up being worn? Have you figured out how to know in advance?
I'm getting better. I haven't quite nailed it. I think in my head I imagine more things occurring in my life—events, moments, etc. than what actually does occur. Sometimes I buy things for these nonexistent moments, and they never get worn. Also, every time I buy something because of how it looks and ignore how it feels, I don't end up wearing it. How it feels is very important to me.
37. What is your process getting dressed in the morning? What are you considering?
My comfort, the temperature and weather, what I'm doing that day. If I'm just staying home working, I'll put on something comfy and casual. If I'm going out, I'll put on real clothes. Ha!
38. What are you trying to achieve when you dress?
If I'm working from home, I'm trying to be comfortable, the right temperature, and not feel like I complete slob. If I'm going out, I'm trying to be comfortable, the right temperature, and look put together and cool.
39. What, for you, is the difference between dressing and dressing up?
Dressing up is putting on special clothes for a special event. It's wearing something I don't normally wear, or don't regularly wear. It's putting on makeup and making sure I look great. It's deciding what I want others to think of how I look (cool, sexy, elegant, sophisticated, fun) and dressing to meet that expectation. Dressing is just putting on clothes to cover my body.
40. If you had to wear a “uniform” what would it look like?
For working from home: stylish sweats or leggings in high quality fabrics with tunics, knit tees, sweatshirts, etc. "Casual Cool Comfort" - still looking put together but being highly comfortable.
For going out: A black and white palette of jeans and tees or silk tanks, sweaters, and boots. "Elegant Casual Cool" - looking more put together and wearing more "real" clothes, but still very easy silhouettes, no fussy details, monochrome so everything matches everything else.
41. What would you say is “you” and what would you say is “not you”?
What's "me" is blues, blacks, whites, and greys. Unfussy clothing with simple silhouettes. Clothes that are cool, a bit sexy (in an understated way), casual, and elegant. Unstructured tops.
What's "not me" is bright colours and prints, fussy things like ruffles and lots of decorative additions, really fitted clothing, really boxy, structured clothing. Really feminine, flouncy, or girly clothing.
42. What is your cultural background and how has that influenced how you dress?
Canadian. I think it makes me a bit more casual and laid back.
43. Do you remember a time in your life when you dressed quite differently from how you do now? Can you describe it and what it was all about for you?
In grade 11 of high school I was really into standing out. I dressed in lots of vintage dresses, wore a lot of makeup, and wore things that made me look different from others and stand out. I wanted to be different—I decided I wasn't traditionally beautiful or "normal" and that I would wholly embrace it to find a group I did fit in with. I loved when people did double takes looking at me. I felt special, worthy of something, even if it was just to be different and shocking. I think people admired my out-there-ness.
44. What sorts of things do you do, clothing, make-up or hair-wise, to feel professional?
To feel professional, I'll often straighten my hair, wear mascara, eyebrow filler, and lipstick, and dress a bit more put together, with something like a silk button down and slim pants. I generally don't wear knits if I want to feel professional.
45. How do you conform to or rebel against the dress expectations at your workplace?
I don't have a workplace! I guess I rebel against the dress expectations of a regular graphic designer working at home. I could be really dressed up everyday and look really put together, but I don't really find that how I dress at home makes me work better or worse. I think being comfortable helps me do a better job because I'm not bogged down thinking about how comfortable I'm not or how my clothes are constricting—I can sit in any position I like and be comfortable, and almost forget I'm wearing clothes.
48. Do you find it comforting or constraining to have a uniform?
I think I would find it comforting to have a uniform. Sometimes I look in my closet and feel overwhelmed because nothing seems like it goes with anything else. I wish my fabric stash was much more monochrome, but then there are also times when I do want to wear a crazy print or really bright colour, and it feels good. I think I just need to decide what out of what I own will feel good, and what I love in and of itself, but won't love on me.
49. What is an archetypal outfit for you; one that you could have happily worn at any point in your life? What do you like about it?
Probably jeans and a t-shirt. It's comfortable, it has the ability to be both casual and dressed up, depending on fabrics, colours, prints, and I can do almost anything in it.
50. Do you ever wish you were a man or could dress like a man or had a man’s body? Was there ever a time in the past?
Yes, sometimes I do. It seems so easy to dress as a man, and it's so easy to be stylish. Your body doesn't have weird lumps and fitting issues (as much, anyway), and you always get to be comfortable, but still look put together.
51. If there was one country or culture or era that you had to live in, fashion-wise, what would it be?
Paris. They do casual so well there, people still look chic, and it's so accepted.
52. Do you consider yourself photogenic?
53. When you see yourself in photographs, what do you think?
I think my face looks long, my nose looks weird, my eyes look small, my hair looks bad, my body looks chubby in all the wrong places, my hips and thighs are too big, my arms are too fat, and I am just in no way attractive.
54. Are there any figures from culture, past or present, whose style you admire or have drawn from?
Audrey Hepburn, as cliche as that is. She did casual elegant so well. Part of it may have been how waif-y she was, I often wish I were that waif-y because I think I would look much better in the clothes I like if I weren't so curvy. She had a uniform, and it seems so simple. She was also absolutely stunning always.
56. What would be a difficult or uncomfortable look for you to try and achieve?
Sexy club girl. With the short, tight dress, big hair, lots of makeup, and super high heels. I think I would look terrible, feel terrible, and be really extremely self-conscious.
57. If you were totally comfortable with your body, or your body was a bit closer to what you wish it was like, what would you wear?
I would probably wear similar things to what I wear now, but just feel much better about myself in them. I think I would feel I look the way I imagine myself looking in them (which what I see in the mirror doesn't match at all). I'd also wear more boyfriend jeans and slim heeled high-heels, because I think it's so elegant, but only on really slim ladies. I feel like slim heels emphasize my large legs.
58. Is there anyone that you are trying to attract or repel when you dress?
I think I dress more for women than for men. I know my style isn't "sexy" or whatever, but I like looking "cool". I think I want other women to envy me, and think "wow, that chick is so cool. I wish I were that cool"
60. What do you think of perfume? Do you wear it?
No, because it gives me headaches.
61. What are some things you need to do to your body or clothes in order to feel presentable?
Sometimes I need to iron my clothes. Or, you know, wash them. As for my body, Sometimes I need to suck in the gut a bit.
62. How does makeup fit into all this for you?
I don't wear any during the day, usually, and when I go out its often concealer if I need it, a bit of powder, eyebrow filler (powder) and mascara. And then I feel put together enough. I may wear eyeliner or lipstick if I'm going out, but I feel better in less. I feel cleaner, and more comfortable.
63. Is there a certain look you feel you’re expected to like that you have absolutely no interest in? What is it? Why aren’t you interested?
I think I'm supposed to like the "sexy" look because of my age (25). I think I'm supposed to want to look super hot and wear high heels and short dresses and makeup and have men hit on me. I'm not interested because it seems like trying too hard, and I'm also pretty introverted and that does not feel comfortable to me. I don't really like having people's eyes on me, and that kind of sexiness attracts attention. It's also just not comfortable. I wouldn't feel comfortable, I'd feel self-conscious and awkward and like I was playing dress up.
64. Can you describe in a basic way what you own, clothing and jewelry-wise?
A lot I don't wear. The things I do wear? T-shirts, jeans, sweaters, a few dresses, tank tops, boots, simple jewelry. I used to be really into statement and chunky jewelry, but now my taste runs more toward really simple and elegant, almost "not there" jewelry. I think I've simplified a lot in my life, but I won't get rid of the jewelry. Jewelry means something to me—reminds me of people, or times in my life. It holds memories.
65. What is your favorite piece of clothing or jewelry that you own?
My Imogene and Willie jeans. They fit perfectly, make me feel sexy, suck in my stomach, make my butt look nice, and are really, really, really freakin comfortable. They feel high quality and amazing, and I truly feel great in them. Plus I love that I'm supporting small business and local (to USA, though that's still pretty local to Canada) manufacturing.
66. Tell us about something in your closet that you keep but never wear. What is it, why don’t you wear it, and why do you keep it?
There's actually quite a lot. But I guess the thing I've kept most consistently but never wear would be a little black theory wool suiting dress. I don't wear it because I don't have those occasions in my life to wear it, but I keep it because I guess I keep thinking one will pop up. It doesn't even really fit me properly anymore, but it's very elegant and simple. It makes me feel like I'm going to a funeral, or a really corporate job interview when I wear it, yet I still keep it. Just in case.
67. Looking back at all your purchases over the past five to fifteen years, can you generalize about what sorts of things were the most valuable to buy?
Things that fit my everyday lifestyle. Things I wore all the time (cost per wear) and things that fit me perfectly. Things that made me feel amazing when I put them on. Things that were high quality and more expensive, but that lasted. Things in neutral colours that went with everything.
68. Is there an item of clothing that you once owned, but no longer own, and still think about or wish you had back? What was it, what happened to it, and why do you want it back?
I don't necessarily wish I had it back, but I had a pair of jeans that I absolutely loved. They were American Eagle, I'm sure they were flared, and they were ripped to hell, but they fit me perfectly and I adored them, and one day my mom threw them out. I'd never wear them now, they're just not my style, but I still wish I had them.
69. If you had to throw out all your clothes but keep one thing, what would you keep?
My imogene and willie jeans. I will never give up those things, and hope someday to have the money to acquire a pair on every colour (I got mine on sale, hence why I could buy them)
70. Building up your wardrobe from nothing, what would you do differently this time?
I would really think about my lifestyle and what I enjoy wearing, what feels comfortable and makes sense to invest in, what makes me feel good vs self-conscious, and come up with a limited colour palette so everything matched. I would really consider silhouettes, quality fabrics, what I want to wear everyday, colours, lengths, and comfort. Everything would be comfortable, go with everything else, and feel like a capsule collection. Things I really loved, I would buy multiples of. I'd also only buy things that were easy to care for.
71. What’s the first “investment” item you bought? Do you still own or wear it?
The first investment item I bought (but didn't buy myself) was my Prada down jacket. It's the best thing ever, and I will always think it was worth the extraordinary amount of money it cost. It's incredibly warm, super high quality, fits like a dream, and I will never get rid of it.
72. Was there ever an important or paradigm-shifting purchase in your life?
I think that when I bought that polyester dress, wore it once, and hated it, I realized that I had to make a change in the way I shopped. No more last minute emergency purchases for an event, no more buying polyester or crap fabrics, no more buying colours that I don't feel great in, or silhouettes that aren't right for me, or clothes that are just slightly too big or too small. They have to be perfect. Perfect is the only option. The same goes with fabrics and making my own clothes. Make them well, make them out of quality fabrics, and make things I'll actually wear.
73. What item of clothing are you still (or have you forever been) on the hunt for?
The perfect t-shirt. I've been trying to make it, but haven't nailed it yet. The perfect neckline width and depth and style, perfect length, perfect sleeve... perfect fabric. The t-shirt that is not too thin or too thick, that hangs well, feels comfortable, looks stylish, is long enough but not too long, low enough neckline but not too low, flattering sleeve... it eludes me.
74. What are your closet and drawers like? Do you keep things neat, etc?
Messy! I half fold things and throw them in. I only really wear what's on the top of the pile. I need to go through and get rid of everything I never wear and never will wear. I need to be honest with myself and just say goodbye.
75. Were you ever given a present of clothing or jewelry that especially touched you?
I've always loved the jewelry my mom has given me for christmases and birthdays years past. She has great taste.
76. Did you ever buy an article of clothing without giving it much thought, only to have it prove much more valuable as time went on? What was the item and what happened?
I don't think that's ever actually happened, sadly. I think mostly it goes the other way for me.
77. How and when do you shop for clothes?
I don't shop for clothes much because I'm trying to mostly make my own clothes, but I do sometimes for special things. I usually shop online, I usually shop for things that are hard for me to make, and I usually do so when I'm feeling a bit lacking or stressed, or alternatively when I'm very happy and excited.
78. Do you like to smell a certain way?
I like to smell clean.
79. How does how you dress play into your ambitions for yourself?
I don't think it really does. But it plays into the lifestyle I want to live. I don't want to be a high powered exec, I want to be a comfortable, work on my own terms self-employed lady. And I think wearing comfortable clothes and being really casual at work is a reflection on that casual and comfortable, laid back lifestyle I want to lead. I don't want to work a million hours and have no time to myself—I want to work less hours and make more money, and be comfortable in all aspects of the word (financially, as a person, with my clothing) and be able to do what I want.
80. How does money fit into all this?
I don't shop as much because I have less money now that I work for myself, but I also really truly embrace that and think it was an excellent decision for me. I love that I'm not spending all my money on clothes. I love that I'm spending my time making them. Although I've probably taken more of my previous clothes-spending money and spent it on fabric, it feels better to me. Because I'm creating something, engaging with a community, and making the clothes I really want to wear, instead of hunting them down.
81. Is there an article of clothing, a piece of make-up, or an accessory that you carry with you or wear every day?
My slippers! Almost every day. They're comfy, keep my toes warm, and help me not step on gross or sharp things.
82. Did anyone ever say anything to you that made you see yourself differently, on a physical and especially sartorial level?
Sadly, my mother made me feel self-conscious about my body as a teenager, and that never really went away. I always feel like I have to lose weight before I go home, because being thin will mean I'm successful somehow.
In recent years, my style has changed a lot as I've gotten more self-conscious with my body, which is strange because I don't think I've actually changed in size or weight all that much, and if I have, I think it's to get smaller than bigger. But I'm more self-conscious about it. I used to be much more confident about my body and how I dress, and now I'm much less so. But at the same time, I'm also realizing much more who I am as a person and what's important to me.
83. Do you remember the first time you were conscious of what you were wearing? Can you describe this moment and what it was about?
It wasn't the first time at all, but I remember in LA wearing shorts and feeling very self-conscious about my legs.I kept feeling like everyone was staring at me, I felt fat and ugly and disgusting and unworthy, and like people were laughing and pointing at me. I don't know when it went away, but it did. And now I can wear shorts.
What’s your birth date? Where were you born and where do you live now?
1989, I was born in Vancouver and now I live in Ontario.
Say anything you like about your cultural/ethnic/economic background.
I come from upper-middle-class family, I used to be very unconscious about my spending and money and wear a lot of designer diffusion line clothing, now I'm self-employed and much more careful about my money and make my own clothing.
What kind of work do you do?
Are you single, married, do you have kids, etc.?
In a relationship.
How do you feel after filling out this survey?
I feel more in tune with my style and like I want to go clean out my closet and my fabric stash right away, but I also feel like I really need to tackle my body issues and self-consciousness, because it's made me realize how many parts of myself I've lost through disliking my body and self.