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33. What is really beautiful, for you, in general?
the outer eye is usually the person i like how they dress and admire it. it's someone i care what they think. and i combine it with the person least dresses to know what's too much - i want to wear one or too levels above the least dressed person and never above the one i admire.
It's based on everything from my mother, to feminist and Marxist politics, to Project Runway.
Hmmm...sometimes the old ballet master voice...judging weight,posture, and aesthetic detail no one else on earth is likely to notice.
This other person is highly judgmental and a stickler for detail.
I only have one person in me these days. She seems happy with how things are going.
if im in doubt about my look, somethings off. if i feel good about my look, i don't think to much about it
They always think my body is strange and ugly. They always compare me to skinny girls. They think I look sloppy. They wonder what I could possibly be thinking by wearing that. They think I look like a fool and have no sense of style. This outer eye is based on my sister.
The "Other Person" is still me--highly critical, looking for flaws, talking myself out of anything that critical-outer-me isn't into. It's probably based on my mother, to a point, because she can't ever do anything without a critique, no matter how great things are. I hate that about myself.
My "outer eye" is based on the person I want to be -- cool, brazen, unequivocally fuckable, the tatted-up bisexual babe in the leather jacket and combat boots smoking Marlboro Reds. She's appraising me to see if she'd fuck me. She's not hung up on style, necessarily, but she's looking to see if I look like I know what I'm doing, if I can carry myself with her level of confidence and cool, if I can hang.
I hate to admit this, but I think about how men might look at me. I want to look attractive.
I'd like to think I model myself on Coco Chanel and Audrey Hepburn.
Do I look happy? Do I feel comfortable in what I'm wearing? I'd say I generally look like a nice person who is easy-going, friendly, and has her shit together.
I don't think this way. I look at myself in the mirror, as myself. If I try to have an "outer eye", the outer eye is me--that is, what would I think of this person if I saw her on the street?
I like to imagine I look "cool", but I'm old enough to know that's a laugh; I probably look both like a weirdo and more normal and boring that I think I am. Honestly, I don't know what people think when they look at me anymore.
I think I want to appear elegant but not frumpy or outdated.