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33. What is really beautiful, for you, in general?
I always assume that the people in the small town where I live won't understand my fashion choices. I look at myself through my own eyes, and I like what I see. I look at myself as the "other," and I see someone who is trying too hard, who is overdressed, who thinks too highly of herself. This judgment is based on real-life experience I've had with friends giving unsolicited opinions of the clothes I've chosen to wear. There is a pervasive idea here that people here "just don't do that," and that I should try harder to conform. I can't make myself do it, though.
If I'm having a bad day, I imagine what it would be like to walk through the halls of my high school dressed this way (healthy? definitely not). If it's a good day, I try and imagine what some of the more stylish people in my life will say. Would "X" like this? But really, I try and dress for me as much as possible.
We always see ourselves based on how we want others to see us. sometimes we see ourselves based on what we think others will see. When I look at myself, of course I am thinking will others find me attractive? As women how can we not think like this? Our culture teaches us as women that we are to dress for others or our younger self - that is especially true as I get older. I often think, does this make me look too old? But then again, I don't want to look too young. I want to be appropriate for my age...whatever that means.
She is confident, and has something cold about her. She isn't a 'good girl'. There's a bit of Margot Tennenbaum and Wednesday Adams and my flatmate who is effortlessly cool and collected. She is a snob.
I see two people
1) is very careworn and tired and is always trying to please certain people who can't be pleased. She's rather like a mother. She's warm and always cares and always has time to listen and always has a kind word or good common sense advise.
2) is a young bright colourful happy girl who just wants to explore and be everyone's friend.
these two sides of me are characterized by my own thoughts and observations when trying to suss myself out and are affirmed by various descriptions from people outside that know me either not at all, a little, or a lot.
the outer eye is a peasant in the presence of beyonce
I think I look somewhere between playful and bitchface. It's not based on anyone I know.
Part of it is my mom- I can't leave the house if I'm in an outfit she doesn't like. Also, if I'm wearing something different than what I normally wear, I subconsciously think about whether or not my friends will like it or react badly towards it.
In this situation, I see myself as myself, because I'm really my worst critic. The voice in my head might be the voice of someone who has commented snidely on my style before, but the words are mine. Mainly the judgements are based around "Who does she think she is?" "She's wearing that?" and so on. So your basic insecurity.
I was at a party and I was having a conversation with someone there. She was really tall and had to bend down to talk to me. A bit into the conversation, she started laughing and said, “I love how you’re so short, and you’re all like ‘Yah! So what I’m short. I got a bigger dick than you. Deal with it, man.’” I never thought of myself that way or that I seem to be saying that. I think she meant she had to bend down to talk to me and I did nothing to meet her half-way. And that not apologizing or trying to meet her half-way said something fundamental about me. I felt she understood me even though I never set out to say it that way.
What I think about is.... Is this appropriate? a.k.a. is the right amount of my body showing. Are the colors right for the place. Will I be comfortable or constantly adjusting?